


Business like usual... not

by MarvelousMaam



Series: Batbros' Flirting Guide [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Detective Comics (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)
Genre: Batboys, Drunken Flirting, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluffy, Funny, IT'S TIM'S FAULT, Jason is a Dork, REALLY BAD PICK-UP LINES, Reader Insert, batfam, fem reader - Freeform, jason is drunk, rated for sexual implications
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 02:51:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15427419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarvelousMaam/pseuds/MarvelousMaam
Summary: Jason knows all kinds of pick-up lines, the good ones as well as the bad ones. He just doesn't know when to shut up.





	Business like usual... not

**Author's Note:**

> Remember that one time were Jaybird was an intergalactic savior of worlds and his civilian date was just so turned on that she basically ripped off his clothes? Yeah well, I just wanted to remind you of that shower scene (forget about what happened afterwards). Although I must say that I’ve fallen so much more in love with broody, sporty chic, Dex Soy Jay… very manly and believably packing 225 lbs (it’s muscle dammit!). :D

"I know milk does a body good, but baby, how much have you been drinking?"

The voice of your boyfriend ripped you out of your reverie and you looked up from your position in front of the void that was your refrigerator to find him leaning against the doorframe. Holding an unopened bottle of beer in one hand and his red helmet in the other he looked like he’d just returned early from his meeting with some blackmarket gunrunners whom he liked to traffic with.  
You audibly swallowed the gulp of liquid in your mouth, trying hard not to laugh and spill it on yourself.

"Excuse me?" You squeakily asked before glancing at the container in your hand. It read '100% Organic Orange Juice' in bold letters and had been the only item contained in the refrigerator - besides a magically missing bottle of beer that had now reappeared.  
Carefully you put the empty container down on the counter to remind you that grocery shopping was due.

You raised your gaze again, finding your boyfriend’s eyes on you, despite the (still unopened) bottle of beer he’d raised to his lips. He’d sounded suspiciously delirious now that you thought about it.

"Have you been drinking?" You asked him carefully before turning fully around to face him, hands on hip in what you hoped was a reprimanding look. He looked confusedly down at the bottle in his hand before dazedly meeting your eyes.

"I’m not drunk, baby. I’m just intoxicated by you."  
He slurred and his half-lidded, foggy eyes were a dead giveaway but he had the audacity to wink at you nonetheless, smirk unwavering.  
You rolled your eyes, taking note of his slightly disheveled looks that did not fit the role he liked to put up for meetings like the one he’d supposedly attended. You knew Jason Peter Todd far too well for him to be able to fool you… in this state at least.

"Babe, did you lie to me about that business meeting?" You growled and watched him shift slightly, trying to stand up straight so he’d tower above you. It was one of his usual power moves whenever he tried to intimidate someone but it was a barely effective method on his girlfriend, you mused. Besides, it seemed that the sudden movement had dizzied him, for he wobbled slightly and his palish skin-tone took on a green hue.

Sighing, you slowly made your way to the shit brick house of a man that you called the love of your life and took the bottle, slippery and wet with condensed water, right out of his grasp. He didn’t protest, just slumped back against the doorframe, a heavy sigh escaping his lips as his head hit the wood with a thud.

"Jay, you know that I don’t mind you getting drinks with Roy when he’s in town, right?"  
You asked, putting the bottle onto the counter, next to the emptied orange juice. It was a wild guess but the only realistic conclusion.

"I… didn…!" Was the only answer you received and you hurried to get back to Jason’s side, just as his helmet hit the floor, the impact loud as a gunshot in the middle of the night. Shoving the offending piece of equipment beside with one foot, you draped your boyfriend’s left arm across your shoulder, praying to all known entities that he would have enough sense to not put his whole bodyweight on you.

The both of you managed to make your way to your bedroom without any major incidents, not counting the dent at the bottom of one wall where Jason’s combat boots had hit some brittle plastering. A chilly breeze hit you upon entry, confirming your suspicion that Jason had actually entered through the window. You helped him sit on your bed, where he basically dropped dead.

"Oh boy!" You groaned, massaging your temples with your fingertips as you peered down on the already snoring would-be vigilante, wearing full protective attire and his beloved leather jacket. It was a wonder that he’d found home at all and you hoped that he’d had at least someone else accompany him.

"You know, Jay…" You kneeled in front of him, beginning to loosen the buckles of his shinguards while ignoring his heavy breathing.  
"…I’ve always fantasized about gettin’ it on in full combat gear…"  
The accursed pieces hit the floor and you proceeded to work on his boots, an irritated groan making you sneer and tug harder on the heavy, leathery, black footwear that Jason liked to polish almost as often as his guns.  
"…but this was not what I had in mind! Absolutely not!" You snarled, pulling on the remaining boot with all your might, only to fall backwards once it came of.

"’S all ma brotha’s fault!" Was the answer that you hadn’t anticipated and you shrieked in surprise.  
"Wait…wha…what?" You stammered and watched in utter awe as the drunkard managed to sit up, swaying from one side to the other. You watched him, warily wondering whether to hope that he hadn’t listened to your rambling or that he had and regretted not being sober enough.

He began fumbling with his belt buckle, a crease of frustration between his eyebrows that remained even as he’d managed to open it. Swiftly you halted his fingers, already prodding the button of his tactical pants.  
"Stop it!" You mumbled and made your grasp for his gun holsters first, to get rid of the leather straps across his thighs.  
His fumbling stopped, as did his frown as you set to work again.

"What was that about your brothers, babe?" You hoped to sound nonchalant, innerly already blaming Dick because it was the only logical conclusion.

A heart-wrenching sob was your only warning before a mass of muscle almost squished you when Jason bent down without warning to wrench you into a tight hug, his pants pulled halfway down his bare legs. The air was pressed right out of your lungs and you wheezed.

"Jay?" You asked, running your hands across his back that was shaking in silent misery. He calmed down at the soothing motion until it was a snivel here or there that breached the silence in the coldness of your bedroom.

"'e busted ma fay… fave dealer!" He hiccuped but continued to hang over your shoulder gloomily.  
"Oh!" You sighed and resisted the urge to laugh.  
"Is that it, huh?"  
He nodded, huffing before finally letting you free yourself out of his iron hold. Immediately you backed up a little to not get caught again.

"Babe, I’ll undress you now." You informed him, trying to find any signs for him understanding you in his body language. Apparently he did, for he sighed, sending a whiff of air your way that had you almost drunk yourself.

"Soo… Dick nabbed your trafficker and you just let him?" You began to tug on the legs of his pants once more, hoping he’d stay upright so that you’d get off the rest of his clothing more easily.  
"Nah…" He shook his head, reminding you of Damian’s dog, the way he did. "Not teh Dick!"

Raising your eyebrow, you folded up his pants and put them atop a chest of drawers, next to his guns.  
"Oh? Who did?" Surprise laced your words and you watched Jason curiously inspecting what you assumed was your butt.  
"Who wha…?" He asked incredulously, eyes wide as saucers as they fixed on your face. You snorted, never in all the time having seen your boyfriend reduced to such a mess.

"Who busted your dealer, Jay? Was it Dick?" He shook his head no.  
"Then it was Tim?" Again he shook his head no and you wondered since when Damian was allowed to deal with such stuff.  
"So, Damian did?" You asked, cooly making your way back over and bending to shove the heavy leather from Jason’s broad shoulders.

"Nu-Uh!" Was your answer along with another shake of head.  
"Who then? Was it Duke?" Asking exasperatedly you tugged on one arm harshly, earning yourself a miserable groan.  
"The other guy…" Jason mumbled as you stalked away to put his jacket away, too.

"You have three brothers, dear!" Informing him of the obvious as you returned, this time tugging on the ungiving, skin-tight kevlar bodysuit that you practically had to peel off of him, revealing inch for inch of bare skin. As always you were awed at the sheer masses of muscle as much as the amount of scarring that made you feel even smaller than you were in comparison. This man was a freaking tank… just… a really unhappy one, right now.

"Ya know… teh red one!" He waved awkwardly, his hooded eyes trained on you.  
"Ahh…" Nodding, you heaved a sigh as the kevlar relented and you were able to pull it over his head, leaving him sputtering in irritation and squinting as his hair fell into his eyes.  
You folded the suit, smiling at the red bat symbol on it, and put it next to his other stuff. You were pretty sure that your boyfriend would not remember a single thing of what had happened after his arrival back home. You just hoped he wouldn’t panic.

Turning back around, to observe him and decide further approach you were surprised to find him eyeing you up and down.

"Hey baby!" He slurred, somewhat less dazedly but by far not sober, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" He grinned happily and fell back onto the mattress, bouncing under his sheer weight.  
Soft snores immediately filled the silence and you were left alone with your fantasies once more.

About 28 hours later…  
A night after Jason’s loss, you’d just returned from your patrol, frustrated and soaked from head to toe from having been dumped into Gotham River by a giant whale woman whom you’d barely managed to escape from. The shower was calling your name and you were ripping off your gear thoughtlessly in dire need to warm up.

You sneezed, the smell of seaweed still in your nose as hot water finally hit your sensitive skin, almost burning it, steamy clouds rising up around you. Sighing in total bliss, you were ignorant to the loud thud in your bedroom announcing a visitor. That is until the bathroom door was practically ripped off its hinges and you screeched in surprise. Stumbling on the slippery ground you were barely able to hold yourself upright by gripping onto the faucet which left you cowering in the corner of your shower.

In the doorway stood the Red Hood, fully geared up besides his pants hanging suspiciously low on his hips due to the opened belt buckle.  
Supposedly Jason was not one to suffer from blackout after getting plastered and you couldn’t help the grin as he strode over purposefully.

**Author's Note:**

> Ooookay... so this was actually kind of a comedic tryout - I like those too.  
> Next week is Dickiebird's turn. Batbros' Flirting Guide Part 3 is for the smooth fuckers, all those jazzy guys who know how to woo a woman. It's also the kick-off of a Dick-centric reader-insert romance that will pair Dickiebird with a baaaaad girl reader just like we know he needs.
> 
> Appreciation appreciated.
> 
> Love, MM


End file.
